Oh, it’s so good to see you.  There’s more to tell.

Something happened.  It was open heart surgery.

Yeah. On me.

A 5 cm. aneurism on my aorta needed to be repaired. And it was. An 8 inch scar rests where my body was opened up.

Recovery followed. It involved relearning:  putting on clothes while not straining torso muscles, monitoring new meds, and building up the strength to walk around our block.

In the months following surgery my strength returned slowly. With the help of doctors, family and friends, my aorta was able to heal.  During this time I became protective of my heart. I learned to better listen to my body, for I am its care-taker.

But something else happened.

A re-occuring, deep-seated stress raised its head. And I felt it, like it was parked right on my upper chest, where my repaired heart was.  I wanted to scream, “Don’t you dare sit on my newly healed heart.” But stress, like an unwelcome visitor, didn’t listen. And silently yelling at it never works.

I was so worn out, frustrated that this old tension was again plaguing me.  But there was something else. A new awareness was beckoning up to me from a deep place.  I sensed: “We need repairing too“.  What was this?

My emotional heart seemed to be cracking open, begging me to please protect it too.

You see, I hadn’t ever learned to do that. Ever. EVER.

Grief, disappointment, and anger had been buried deep all my life and were calling and I heard.  And this, oh joy, is when little green seeds started to be watered.  Instead of ignoring those pains – as was my norm – I felt primed for change, to embrace long-buried wounds that were covered by invisible scars.

Thus began the journey to the unexplored place.

It would mean really looking into my unhealthy habits. There were a lot. It would mean making huge changes in me that might affect others. That would be hard. It would mean grieving losses. That would be exhausting. It would mean opening up to someone and asking for help. That actually sounded wonderful.

The “me” I found down in this unexplored place was weak, malnourished and unsure. But the light from above was healing. And I started yearning to be whole-er.

So I set out on my journey: the healing of inner wounds and becoming a healthier care-taker of my soul.

Have you ever stuffed your true self down so deep that you go through life pretending? Have you ever felt you had no permission to voice a need? Have you ever felt it was too unsafe to risk being known?

I’m very practiced at all of those. However I’m discovering that being known (writing my story) is worth the risk.