What’s your relationship with anger? Here’s my story.

I know how to self-protect. Pretend and stuff anger. That was my default.

I did it so well. But it wasn’t well deep down.

Here’s how it went: A wrong occurred, I felt upset, said nothing and went on. A sure recipe for depression or illness if there ever was.

To nourish my growth this year, anger had to be faced. I actually thought “Oh, there’s not much of that down there.” I can hear you laughing. But over the past 34 years my husband can count on one hand the number of times he’s seen me express anger.

I think I thought it just wasn’t ok to be angry.  I didn’t know how to react to anger. I had bad memories of anger. So anger just wasn’t my friend.

In a group coaching session last spring I was processing grief for the first time.  My coach hoped I could access the anger, down below the grief. I tried. It was hard. So uncomfortable. My group teased, “That’s you? Being angry?”  I sounded like a kind grade-school teacher smiling as she said “It’s time to go to lunch’. I was barely able to access it. I’d never given myself permission and had no clue how.

Someone said, “Hey, I heard about a rage room in town.  Who wants to go?”  Yes, a rage room.*  It’s a real thing. You go into a room, break things and feel better. At that time I thought “No, that’s not for me”.

Over the next few weeks I began to get more acquainted with my grief. Daily I spoke my pain out loud; and then sat with it.  Once I owned the truth of my grief, wouldn’t you know, feelings of anger started to bubble up. It wasn’t long until I found myself yearning to GO to that RAGE ROOM. I needed to break things!!! I thought about it a lot.

Anger, personal aggression, is a muscle. Mine was wimpy. How could I start letting it be a muscle? An idea came, I would have my personal rage room.

I could tell I wanted my senses involved. Once I decided “I have to RAGE RIGHT NOW” I went looking for unbreakable items around the house. (Unbreakable, I didn’t want any mess). So I rounded up whatever I could find:  a throw pillow, a small teddy bear with stuffing coming out of him, and a rubber chicken. I went into a room in our home with empty wall space and took some deep breaths. Then I screamed my anger and heaved each item against the wall or the floor. Over and over and over. I yelled and violently threw those things. It felt good. Sooooo good.

I gave myself permission to rage. Rage violently and angrily with my words. To use words I never use. To let myself feel anger because boundaries had been pushed, wrongs had been made. Over many, many years..

Can you imagine never doing this and finally allowing it to come out?

After raging a while, I was ready to stop. I sat to calm my heart rate. Then I noticed a physical sensation. My gut un-twisted. Like it relaxed and released a big sigh. That surprised me but it shouldn’t have. Unexpressed anger had tied up my insides for years. After raging, I felt lighter. What a gift. I wanted to celebrate and I did.

That, my first rage room event, happened over 3 months ago. I’ve gone back again. This has offered compassion to a place inside me that desperately needed it. To be honest, expressing anger still feels uncomfortable. I’m determined to keep trying. I wish I’d been able to do this years ago.

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Some advice. If you feel like you need to have a rage event in your home and you go looking for unbreakable items to throw, let me tell you this:  Throwing a soft pillow or a teddy bear wasn’t nearly as viscerally satisfying as heaving a rubber chicken against the wall.  The 2 soft things made no sound at all as I threw them. But that yellow rubber chicken? Oh yes. Try the rubber chicken.

* Today as I was in the midst of writing this post an obituary was printed in our local Dallas newspaper of the woman who pioneered the Anger Room concept. (I didn’t know it was called Anger Room until I read the article.)  Donna Alexander had experienced domestic abuse in her past. She dreamed of a place where people could vent their frustration by smashing and breaking objects rather than people. Her idea began in her garage, then moved a place near downtown Dallas, then to a suburb. Businesses similar to the Anger Room have launched in Florida, Illinois, Missouri, and Oklahoma.  I’m saddened she fell victim to her abuser. There is a healthy way to express anger. Donna Alexander’s vision helped many people to do that, including me.